AGHH.. Sleppy head why?

Haven’t updated because there was really nothing to say. I usually write when the world gets to me and so far it’s been ok. I’m getting married. This fact people know. I’m working on getting better. My immunity has been something to contend with since last year. Nothing like living in a basement to get your body working for its time. That was a time of old. Washed away like paint on marred flesh. Only pretty colors over scars.

Scars now that I’m content to face. One at a time still pink and fresh throbbing. Still haunting me like a monster that I was. Sex was love back then. A time when flesh pressed on flesh was a way to show concern, fidelity, appreciation. A time when I confused abuse for affection. All gone. I have a loving fiancé that’s shown me true affection, true love.

But the past is still like slithering old daggers out watching blood like paint taint me.
Watching the gaping wounds try to re construct and the nasty front they leave behind when all has ceased to bleed away.

I cried last night because I went into the past again. Like frostbite I woke in a blanket of ice and I cried all the silver tears I didn’t know I had. I still fight away yesterday, I say good-bye, and I changed my number.
But I remember when I slept with a chair propped to my apartment door.

Oh Halloween. Oh October. You truly are the bringer of Wrath.

Fax me my Soul-

I fell cold complacent,
Sticky with inconsistency of the weather,
The Nile of swarming bees,
Humming a lullaby that everything is ok,
The blur I see is the impediment of human speech,
Sit and stand walk and seek,
World beyond the word,
The world turns nauseating,
And no child unearthed,
Who are we to say good buy?
I take the words again,
You said hello to my perception,
But you’re not my friend.

Current Mood: crappy

Adam I love the way you victimized yourself here. You are not a victim. I have kept my aggravations with you away from here and the disreguard is shameful.

Why dont you tell them that I asked you ,by note I admit, not to exceed the 200 long distance minutes that you burned through for 4 months in a row? Why dont you tell them that I cant get my messages because of god knows what. You use the phone excessively and I have mentioned more than once that I use a prepaid cell phone with a three day delay to receive messages.

My own mother cant get a hold of me at the apartment. Why dont you tell them that I have been away for two months because you were rude to me and Bill? Or that any guest I had over has to use a payphone to call home when your home? Or maybe that privacy is a word that does not coallate in your vocabulary?

I have been mildly upset and rather enjoy Bills compnay. I pay the bills and they were late last month becuase of me true,but every other month I had to ask for your checks?

I pay for the apartmnet and I realize that its been wrong to leave you there all by yourself. Maybe it was because you were bitter with that and other things that you deliberatley ran the bill to 100.00. I dont know. But I cant talk to you when Im upset and Ive been aggravated with work. I didnt want to explode. You were not the centerpoint of my aggravation so I didnt want to hurt you.

But here you are taking a nice stab. Adam you are not easy to talk to. You have a sharp tounge and stand on a pedistool when you lecture people. I don't like that. You are quick to point out a flaw and even quicker to stab out a persons argument. I speak to you comidically to bypass this and yet you move on with disreguard.

You did not do anything grand or excessive but I asked not go over the 200 minutes and you used your own logic that you would pay for it to go on your own way. If I have to call my aunt in redondo beach for 5 of my 100 minutes(because we spilt the bill) I have to pay 5 cents a minute when I already paid 5 dollars a month for 200 of them . Why?
And call waiting was for a box you told me you would install eons ago. You never did and all it does is tick off every person I know that is trying to call me. Imagine endless ringing. At least with the busy tone they have a clue that someones on the phone.

I was wrong to let the issue ride so long. You were wrong to assume. The phone now, as before costs only 5 dollars a month. Considering how much I use it I think thats fair. I may be wrong. I'm sorry ive been away, and that you grew aggravated but if you only knew honestly how angry I was,you might understand.

I bear no animosity, however the public dispay here is not cool . If you like it this way so be it.

Sorry Adam-
J

Current Mood: sad

I need to stop biting my pen in aggravation.
You should see what carcasses I pull out of my desk,
All dribbling away into the trashcan as I look for another victim.
I don’t smoke like everyone else,
Drink coffee occasionally,
But hate the stuff,
I get the headaches that blur up my left eye,

Always have a monkey on my back,
He’s always got one on his,
And all up the tree,
I see assholes.

I’m not mad but my pens feel the punishment.
As work is to me, I am to the pen.
And tomorrow I will just get another to violate.

Current Mood: crappy

Hello..havent written much because frankly when things tug at me I kinda handle it you know? Words I can type but I have to deal with the emotion before I can write.

Im not angry.
Im not placated.

Im actually quite happy.

Little cranky at times and not willing to elaborate because public humiliation is not my thing.

I nod and smile and Im ready to take on today.

Few things crawled under my skin but I got them out. A few worries threated to take my sleep but I got them out.

Im getting ready for tomorrow.
But Im living today.

little cryptic.
Thats ok.
I understand.

You guys wanted an update? Well there is a bit to write but Ill summerize.

Work just has a meeting today. Needless to say faces were grim. The belt has tightened and we are not happy with what is going on. It's sad really how things are slowly dissinagrating. Agents are tired and customers are frustrated and the overall morale pretty much adds up to two raw fibers and a penny.

Everyone wonders why if you make three typo errors in two months in your emails your eligable for punishment? Why the rush of time limitations must match what MS wants but the quality must remein within the time you are given to handle and properly log each contact. The agents are tired. I see it in their eyes. What happens if they quit? They feel there is not enough out there to encourage.

Its sad.

Today I had to sit in the meeting room and realize that recognition will not come. I had to reflect to a conversation with Bill that God sees my effort and he rewards me. Earthly possesions and regognition are little strings compared to that. It's still hard though. I had a great email froma MS rep come in. I had a breif mention on it and no one noticed. Maybe Im a showhorse at heart and I want a pat on the back and a certificate. Maybe I want soeone to say you did a great job. Maybe I dont want to be another face in the crowd. Thats irrelevant.

I do my work as best I can. I can admit right now that I am a little depressed.
The forfillment I get here no way matches the smiling faces I see on Sunday. I humble myself and do my work expecting no recognition and working dilligently because reprocussions and punishments are handed out with more fervor than the latter.

I will do my work, I will finish my task here until i am needed somewhere else and when I go I wont look back. I will appriciate whati was given and thats that. Harder to do than say...hell its hard to say and mean but I will do just that and not let this place make me go down.

Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed.(2Tim 2:10) I will not be ashamed.

Town desert war. Doctor with cybernetic enhancements. The explanation. The hatred. The beginning. Agh the music in my ears. The battle begins..

the birth of a sequel

Your Homocidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:	Bazooka
Your Favorite Target:	Televangelists
Your Kill Count:	139,476,499
Your Battle Cry:	"Beans."
Years You Spend in Jail:	44
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:	$194,364,487,734,023
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 5%
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

And then the latter

Your Homocidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn
Your name:
Weapon of Choice:	Flaming underpants
Your Favorite Target:	Televangelists
Your Kill Count:	1,143,454,697
Your Battle Cry:	"Moo!"
Years You Spend in Jail:	2
How Much Money In Damages You Cause:	$233,195,227,695,762
Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 84%
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Yall wanted me to update.
Well.
Im at work.
Have headache.
Dizzy.
Tired.
on hold and listening to funky jazz hold music.

There.

the little joys.